


Anywhere Else

by floraldrizzle



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, No Dialogue, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide, The Connor Project, Very very very sad, im just getting some bad feelings out, im not expecting this to get reads at all, im so sorry, im sorry, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 21:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17088191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floraldrizzle/pseuds/floraldrizzle
Summary: Everything is fuzzy. He's not sure exactly where he's going, but it's somewhere. Somewhere nicer.





	Anywhere Else

**Author's Note:**

> BIG TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, depression, anxiety, mentions of self harm, overdosing
> 
> read the tags. stay safe.

It's a Sunday.

His mom's at work until 11, so he's got time.

The weather is terrible. It'd been cloudy and dreary since the day before, but now it's just starting to sprinkle.

Now's as good a time as any.

Evan's hands are shaking when he opens his bedside drawer to grab his meds. The orange bottle is glaring at him menacingly, daring him to  _do it, just do it, you know you want to, you know it'll make everything easier for everyone. Just do it. Come on, Evan._

He sucks in a deep breath. 

Before he can register what's going on, he's moving. He's clutching the little bottle tightly, the pills rattling every time he took a step. Taunting him.

_Coward. Fucking coward._

The thought of writing a note crosses his mind, but there's no way in hell he'll be able to write anything. His hands are shaking too much. 

But Heidi deserves at least  _something_.

Fumbling to grab his phone, he opens his mom's contact and manages to send a text to her through the shakiness of his hands. She's not allowed to be on her phone at work, so it's not like she'll be able to open it and ask him what's wrong.

It's perfect.

Evan struggles to pull his shoes on, but eventually he manages. He shoves the bottle of pills and a plastic water bottle into his backpack and starts walking.

Everything is fuzzy. He's not sure exactly where he's going, but it's somewhere. Somewhere nicer.

Somewhere where he has the guts to start a conversation like a normal person. 

Somewhere where he doesn't lie to his therapist.

Somewhere where he didn't ruin the Murphy's lives by fucking  _lying_ about their  _dead son_. 

Somewhere where he didn't fuck everything up with Jared, didn't hurt Zoe, didn't burden his mom, didn't stress Alana out.

Somewhere where he didn't mess up his and so many other people's lives.

In other words, anywhere but where he currently was; standing at the fence of The Connor Project orchard. A tiny voice in the back of his head told him that if he got caught sneaking in there, he'd be fired, it'd be on his criminal record, his mom would be disappointed in him, he'd never get into college, never-

A pleasant buzzing noise drowned out his thoughts. It was nice to not hear his spiraling, for once.

Plus, he'll be long dead by time anyone would find him.

Clammy hands and dirty sneakers clawed their way up the cold metal fence. The sun was setting now, but you couldn't see it in all of it's normal beauty. The mist was blocking it out.

His feet kept carrying him to an old oak tree that had been there when the orchard was still one for apple picking.

How ironic was it that he was going to kill himself using medicine that was supposed to be  _helping_ _?_

He had lowered himself to sit among the roots of the tree, leaning against the huge trunk. His chest felt way too tight, like the world was closing in on him. It would be, soon.

Maybe he'd get to know Connor, now. Maybe they really would become friends. Having a friend sounded like it might be nice. Having someone who gives you more than fake sympathy and hatred and fear and sadness sounds almost unreal.

But right now he's more alone than ever.

The orchard feels like the right place to do this. It felt like if he were to do it anywhere else, he'd be disrespecting Connor's memory somehow, and he had already done that enough.

Evan leans back against the tree, closing his eyes for a moment to collect his jumbled thoughts. Everything was just too much.

Hands shaking uncontrollably, he unzips his backpack. The orange pill bottle is staring up at him, daring him to just _make it all go away_.

He finally lets himself listen to it.

His hands are too sweaty for him to open the water bottle, so he has to use his shirt, but he gets it open. He fumbles for a second to get the pill bottle open, too.

How exactly do people do this? Do they just down all of them at once or take them one at a time? The latter feels stupid, so he takes a deep breath before raising the bottle to his mouth and dumping the contents. Hand trembling, he takes a big sip of water to swallow all of them.

What if this doesn't work? What if he just ends up in a coma with a huge hospital bill that his mom will have to pay?

Things start getting fuzzier. It's getting hard to keep his eyes open. The trees surrounding him are nice to look at, their leaves rustling in the breeze. It's soothing.

His breathing gets shallower, but he's too tired now to notice or care. All the tension trapped in his shoulders and neck slowly leaves him, head leaning back against the tree trunk. Everything's blissfully growing blurrier and blurrier, his breathing's getting slower and slower, his eyelids are drooping. He vaguely registers a tear slipping down his cheek and can't help but smile a little. Finally, he's going to be free.

His eyes fall shut as he breathes out one last time. 

 

* * *

 

Green eyes blink open. The sky is clear of clouds and rain, now. The sun is just starting to rise.

There's a figure standing in front of Evan. Confused, he rubs his eyes.

The person is holding out a hand with chipped black nail polish, offering Evan a weak smile.

Wetting his lips, Evan takes the hand as he's helped to his feet. 

Connor squeezes his hand lightly. Side by side, they start waking toward the sun.

 

* * *

 

_**1 new notification** _

_Messages 8:48 PM_  
_**Mom** Sorry for the late response, Ev, is everything okay honey? What do you mean?_

 

_**4 new notifications** _

_Messages 8:53 PM_  
_**Mom** Evan?_

 _Messages 8:53 PM_  
_**Mom** What's going on?_

 _Messages 8:54 PM_  
_**Mom** I'm really worried honey_

 _Messages 8:54 PM_  
_**Mom** I'm coming home. I got Barb to cover my shift._

 

_**8 new notifications** _

_Messages 9:07 PM_  
_**Mom** Where are you?_

 _Messages 9:07 PM_  
_**Mom** Evan? Where did you go??_

 _Phone 9:07 PM_  
_Missed call from **Mom**_

 _Phone 9:08 PM_  
_Missed call from **Mom**_

 _Messages 9:08 PM_  
_**Mom** Please pick up evan_

 _Phone 9:09 PM_  
_Missed call from **Mom**_

 _Messages 9:09 PM_  
_**Mom** Evan I'm really worried. You're not in your room._

 _Messages 9:10 PM_  
_**Mom** I'm calling Jared's mom. If you're at his house, I can come and get you_

 

**_Error: The number you are trying to reach has been temporarily disconnected, changed, or is no longer in service._ **


End file.
